A few months ago, I was asked to provide a list of hobbies. To most people, that’s a pretty easy question. It actually stopped me dead in my tracks. I. HAVE. NO. HOBBIES. I was, in fact, being interviewed for my only real hobby, barre.

In an attempt to squeeze answers out of my brain, I reverted to my normal silly self and came up with an infinite list of things that are NOT my hobbies. Now I’m obsessed with fake lists of hobbies and it cracks me up every time. Thanks for that, brain.

What’s your favorite non-hobby?

• When I’m not snorting Pop Rocks, I enjoy legislature, canned salmon, counting freckles, burlap bags and Zima.
• My hobbies include spelunking, staring silently at crossword puzzles, mint ice cream, ferrets, crossbows, yodeling, wearing spats and watching yarn.
• In my spare time I enjoy filing files, listening to alarms, eating limes, rolling dice, sniffing scented candles and whistling jazzy tunes.
• My hobbies include knife sharpening, playing the bagpipes, prank calling CVS, collecting spider webs, zip ties and antique shoehorns.
• When I’m not busy eating crayons, I enjoy mediocrity, erasing mixed tapes, listening to my inner monologue, clear mascara, cuticles and Atlantic puffins.